In some of my previous posts, I have written about having a hard time with letting go of control. Or having a hard time trying to figure out what to do when I don't have control over a situation. This weekend had a pretty hard curveball thrown that I wasn't expecting and how it to affect me as much as it has has left me fragmented. I won't speak in details about what happened but I will discuss how my emotional stability was shaken.
I have never lost a loved one or had anything really traumatic happen in my life to really know what kind of feelings I will encounter when something like that happens. I have been known to get faint when I see a loved one's blood in large quantities so I can't watch someone give blood in my family. I also have problems seeing not just family but friends in hospital beds. I breakdown when I see people I consider important to me crying. I can empathize with people, even if I don't know them. When it comes to distress, I am the biggest baby.
I didn't sleep much last night. At 3:03 AM I woke up drenched in sweat. I tossed and turned all night long. At one point I stood up and I almost went to the gym to try to get my mind off things. At 5:30 AM I posted a status on facebook and browsed Imgur for some relief hoping that I would get tired. A lack of appetite and the emotional waves of deep sadness have swept over me throughout the day. All day I have been thinking in the perspective of the person that has had this done to them. How would I feel receiving this news? How would I react? What if this happened to a family member? How can I help?
For some time I had wondered if there was anything I could have done to avoid this happening. Even though it isn't a good thing to dwell on this kind of thinking. I believe I have noticed signs that I will act on if I were to see this again.
Something I wasn't expecting is how I have reacted emotionally to this whole situation. Not that I think anyone should receive this kind of emotional distress. But that I am reacting to it as if it is personal even though I am not the one affected by it. I can't even imagine knowing what it would be like to be the person affected by it. No one deserves this. It's not fair and it is extremely frustrating that it happened so close to me without me being able to do something about it.
It was recommended to me to reach out to this person because it has affected me as much as it has. I just don't know what to say. I think the only thing I can say is I am here for them if they need anything. I know they have an incredibly supportive family and friends but I always offer a hand.