It's another one of those nights. Topic of tonight? The pandemic. There is so much stuff in the news all about the pandemic. What do we do? How should we act? So much concern. Especially with people losing their jobs. Myself included. So what's next?

Right now is definitely uncertain times. I lost my job on friday. I got an impromptu call at 9:59 AM. The words "Corona virus", "shutdowns" and "force reduction" were uttered. But really most of it was a blur. They removed my access from company resources so quickly I couldn't even give out my contact information to those I worked with so they knew how to reach out to me. Not only that, their swift actions really made it a burden for me to really grab anything of importance financially speaking. Ha, I didn't even get to push up the work I was working on. I would have if they let me work the rest of my day.

Really it was mixed emotions. For one, I am in the middle of purchasing my first house. With that sudden force of uncertainty, I had to halt trying to find people to replace me at my current place. Buying a home is already a pretty stressful endeavor and if I had thought my job was at risk, I wouldn't have started it. Luckily I have been interviewing before this all went down so I was able to secure a few immediate interviews by the end of the day. Which leads me to another point. I was already looking.

Vivint Solar let go 20-ish former coworkers. Most of them veterans and I would even say key players with domain knowledge in systems for future momentum and progress. It seemed like they went through a list from top down most paid in an already severely understaffed department and cut almost half and claimed it as fat. I wish those that are still there luck, but I can't imagine that it is going to be easy. It was already pretty hard. So when they cut the cord for me I didn't really have much to say other than they made my job of leaving a lot easier. It speaks to the environment we were dealing with but at the same time I was hoping to change it. And that sucks.

So, the talley is currently jobless, in the middle of escrow, and there is a pandemic outside. Earlier this week and over the last weekend I was stressing out over housing interest rates. I was worried because of the rising rates that I missed my opportunity to get the right rate for the right payment per month for my house. We locked in the rate on monday because the rates suddenly went down again. As well as trying to buy groceries was tough. We were told by the delivery guy that we had by far the most groceries and everyone else's orders weren't fulfilled due to the panic buying people were doing.

By the time wednesday rolled around I had thought we had locked our rates almost a week prior. So this week has already been pretty long.

Now that this weekend is almost at its end, I've had some time to think about what needs to change. I've realized that I need to find another passive source of income. I need something that will work for me even if I am working. This whole weekend I have been thinking that I need to push harder now, especially now, than I have before. So long as this recession doesn't kill any other potential jobs for me and we don't get stuck in this hole for longer than expected. Investing would be good start. Maybe not right now, but as soon as the market is starting to look like it is recovering.

Also working on myself has kind of fallen by the wayside. Personal goals or business ideas I am going to try to push harder on.

On a semi related note, I am up right now because I jumped awake. It's something that has been happening since my first panic attack. It usually appears during my more stressful moments in my life. You could probably call them night terrors. All that happens is I will come out of a slight dazed dreamy state and feel anxious. My heart will start to race and it will almost feel like I can't catch my breath.

Generally when this has happened I check my pulse and I start doing breathing exercises to try to calm my heart rate. It's not really helped. Most of the time, just me sipping on cold water, that I always have next to my bed, and thinking that everything is ok. While trying to acknowledge the fear without diving off the deep end has mostly worked in the past. Although tonight I tried to really focus on counting to 3 at the top or the bottom of my breath. Tonight it did something. As soon as I noticed my heart was slowing, my anxiety almost immediately dissipated.

So, that's a big goal I can check off. Even though I am up tonight, it's a pretty positive thing and it means progress is still happening.

So what are my worries? I think we covered three big ones and they kind of trickle down into other potential problems. Loss of job presents the question of losing the loan since we haven't closed yet. I've also told my property manager that we would be out by April 20th. So is he going to try to get us out if I lose the loan, essentially losing the house? There's a lot of uncertainty there. I'm hoping that one of my interviews pans out quickly so there is just a small hick-up in my pay.

Let's not forget the pandemic. With people freaking out about it and still the rampant panic buying; this last weekend, just trying to buy diapers was a problem. It looks like it is getting better, now that stores are limiting items. But that was something I saw coming, bought extra canned goods, and some medicines but forgot something important. We only needed a 12 pack of TP and we are good for a few months. But... how bare all stores have been is a bit of a concern.

I wish the government had reached out to retailers and said hey, we are going to be announcing that people should stock up. Be prepared. Given them a heads up that they need to implement some systems to help regulate panic. Maybe that is too much to ask in such a climate. A climate where my wife's school changed several times in a given day on how they were going to do clinicals, to canceling them all together.

I'm also not super paranoid. I figured with anxiety I would have been a lot more high strung. I feel like I am handling everything rather well, even given the current circumstances. At least so far, I haven't reached panic attack levels. I know the anxiety is there. It's felt like I've had a lump in my throat for the last 2 weeks. Although, that seems to be the most of it. It's almost like having a pet.

One last thing before I go, I just wanted to talk about how [email protected] just reach a milestone of being a massive collective of computers more powerful than the worlds 7 supercomputers combined. That's such a cool feat to be a part of. If you don't know what it is, it's some software that anyone can install that allows scientists at stanford compute models on various things. One such project is mapping out the proteins for COVID-19. There has been such a massive support from so many people they don't have enough tasks for everyone to do. And the best part of it all is it's entirely distributed. Meaning everyone's computer is acting as one big one to map COVID-19.


I'm totally rambling at this point. Anyways, there is a lot on my mind. There is a lot of everyone's mind. I hope soon that we can look back and say, yeah we need to do better. I hope that my goals and current life stuff goes the way I want it to. I hope I can find a job so I can keep my family safe. But we will see.